[42:32] And marry the unmarried among you and the righteous among your male slaves and female slaves. If they should be poor, Allah will enrich them from His bounty, and Allah is all-Encompassing and Knowing.
Encourage Marriage to Discourage Immorality [24:32] You shall encourage those of you who are single to get married. They may marry the righteous among your male and female servants, if they are poor. GOD will enrich them from His grace. GOD is Bounteous, knower.
[4:4] You shall give the women their due dowries, equitably. If they willingly forfeit anything, then you may accept it; it is rightfully yours.
[30:21] Among His proofs is that He created for you spouses from among yourselves, in order to have tranquility and contentment with each other, and He placed in your hearts love and care towards your spouses. In this, there are sufficient proofs for people who think.
[4:25] Those among you who cannot afford to marry free believing women, may marry believing slave women. GOD knows best about your belief, and you are equal to one another, as far as belief is concerned. You shall obtain permission from their guardians before you marry them, and pay them their due dowry equitably. They shall maintain moral behavior, by not committing adultery, or having secret lovers. Once they are freed through marriage, if they .commit adultery, their punishment shall be half of that for the free women.* Marrying a slave shall be a last .resort for those unable to wait. To be patient is better for you. GOD is Forgiver, Most Merciful.
Mutual Attraction And Dowry Required
[4:24] Also prohibited are the women who are already married, unless they flee their disbelieving husbands who are at war with you.* These are GOD’s commandments to you. All other categories are permitted for you in marriage, so long as you pay them their due dowries. You shall maintain your morality, by not committing adultery. Thus, whoever you like among them, you shall pay them the dowry decreed for them. You commit no error by mutually agreeing to any adjustments to the dowry. GOD is Omniscient, Most Wise.
(footnote) *4:24 If believing women flee their disbelieving husbands who are at war with the believers, they do not have to obtain a divorce before remarriage. See 60:10.
Do Not Marry Idol Worshipers
[2:221] Do not marry idolatresses unless they believe; a believing woman is better than an idolatress, even if you like her. Nor shall you give your daughters in marriage to idolatrous men, unless they believe. A believing man .is better than an idolater, even if you like him. These invite to Hell, while GOD invites to Paradise and forgiveness, as He wills. He clarifies His revelations for the people, that they may take heed.
Wife beating (abuse ) is predominantly cultural and has no place in Islam
Husband and wife should strive to make one another happy and take into consideration the needs, abilities, and weaknesses of the other. Our beloved Prophet (PBUH) advised the husbands to treat their wives in the best way. This is clear in the following hadith: “The best of you is the best of you to their family and I am the best of you to my family.
In another hadith Holy Prophet (SAW) said: “I entreat you to treat women well for they have been created from a rib and the most crooked part of a rib is the upper part. If you insist on straightening it, you will break it. If you leave it, it will remain crooked. So, I entreat you to treat women well.” (Bukhari)
In Quran, Allah Almighty says: “And of His signs are that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them, and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought” (Quran, 30:21). Below we will discuss some basic rights of wives upon her husband or you can say duties of the husband for their wives.
To feed her, spend upon her in a way that Allah Almighty commanded in Holy Quran. In one of hadith Prophet Muhammad (SAW) said: ‘Give charity.’ A man said: ‘O Messenger of Allah, I have a Dinar.’ He said: ‘Spend it on yourself.’ He said: ‘I have another.’ He said: ‘Spend it on your wife.’ He said: ‘I have another.’ He said: ‘Spend it on your son.’ He said: ‘I have another.’ He said: ‘Spend it on your servant.’ He said: ‘I have another.’ He said: ‘You know best (what to do with it).”‘ (Sunan an-Nasa’i)
Give dowry to wife. In Holy Quran Allah (SWT) says about the right of dowry in these words: “And give women their dowries as a gift. Then, if they are pleased to give some of it to you, consume it with good health and enjoyment.”( Quran, 4:4)
“And among His signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in peace and tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts): Verily in that are signs for those who reflect” (Quran 30:21).
“O Humans revere your Guardian Lord, Who created you from a single person created of like nature its mate, and from this scattered (like seeds) countless men and women. Reverence Allah through Whom you claim your mutual rights” (Quran 4:1).
The above verses of the Quran lay out the framework for the basis and objectives of marriage in Islam. In the ultimate Wisdom of Allah we are first told that both partners, man and woman, are created from the same source and that this should be paid attention to as it is one of His Signs.
The fact that we come from the same soul signifies our equality as humans. When the essence of our creation is the same, the argument of who is better or greater is redundant. To stress on this fact, and then to talk about marriage in the same verse, is of great significance for those of us who are in the field of marriage counseling.
A shift in this attitude of gender equality as human beings causes an imbalance in marital relationships leading to dysfunctional marriages. Whenever one party considers that they are superior or above the law there is a power shift which may subsequently lead to misuse or abuse of that power. As a result, the less valuable partner is seen as an easy prey. Many marital difficulties are based on, or caused by, control and rule stratagem.
By stressing on the equality of all humans, men or women, and making it the basis of marriage, Allah, in His Infinite Wisdom, has laid the ground rules for establishing peace. He has assigned different roles to husband and wife as functional strategy, rather than as a question of competence as humans.
Prophet Mohammad (pbuh) has stated that: “men and women are twin halves of each other” (Bukhari). This narration also brings home the fact that men and women are created from a single source. Furthermore, by using the analogy of twin half, the Prophet (pbuh) has underlined the reciprocal and interdependent nature of men and women’s relationships.
The objective of marriage, according to the above Quranic verses, is to enable us to dwell in peace and tranquility. It is important for us to reflect on these words and their significance in the Islamic frame of reference.
In order to have peace certain condition must be met. These prerequisites to peace are Justice, Fairness, Equity, Equality, and fulfillment of mutual rights. Therefore any injustice whether it is oppression, or persecution, cannot be tolerated if there is to be peace in Muslim homes.
In the domestic realm, oppression is manifested when the process of Shura (consultation) is compromised, neglected or ignored. When one partner (in most cases the husband) makes unilateral decisions and applies a dictatorial style of leadership, peace is compromised. Persecution is present when there is any form of domestic abuse being perpetrated.
Tranquility on the other hand is a state of being which is achieved when peace has been established. Tranquility is compromised when there is tension, stress and anger. It is a mistake to take tranquility to mean perpetual state of bliss, since one can never be immune to tragedies and catastrophes. In fact God tells us repeatedly in the Quran that a believer will be tried and tested. However, a state of tranquility empowers one to handle difficult moments with their spouses as obedient servants of God. God, in His infinite Mercy, also provides us with the tools by which we can achieve this state of peace and tranquility.
The second principle on which Islamic family life is based is Rahma, meaning mercy. As mentioned in the above verse, God tells us that it is He that has placed mercy between the hearts of spouses. We are therefore inclined by our very nature to have mercy for each other. Mercy is manifested through compassion, forgiveness, care and humility.
It is obvious that these are all ingredients that make for a successful partnership. Marriage in Islam is above all a partnership based on equality of partners and specification of roles. Lack of mercy in a marriage, or in a family, renders it in Islamic terms dysfunctional.
Allah further states that He has also placed in addition to mercy, love between spouses. It should be noted, however, that the Islamic concept of love is different from the more commonly understood romantic love that has become so valued.
The basic difference is that love between man and woman in the Islamic context can only be realized and expressed in a legal marriage. In order to develop a healthy avenue for the expression of love between a man and woman, and to provide security so that such a loving relationship can flourish, it is necessary to give it the protection of Shariah (Islamic law).
Marital love in Islam inculcates the following:
Faith: The love Muslim spouses have for each other should be for the sake of Allah and to gain His pleasure. It is from Allah that we claim our mutual rights (Quran 4:1) and it is to Allah that we are accountable for our behavior as husbands and wives.
It sustains: Love is not to consume but to sustain. Allah expresses His love for us by providing sustenance. To love in Islam is to sustain our loved one physically, emotionally, spiritually and intellectually, to the best of our ability. (Note : To sustain materially is the husband’s duty. However, if the wife wishes she can also contribute)
Accepts: To love someone is to accept them for who they are. It is selfishness to try and mould someone as we wish them to be. True love does not attempt to crush individuality or control personal differences, but is magnanimous and secure to accommodate differences.
Challenges: Love challenges us to be all we can, it encourages us to tap into our talents and it takes pride in our achievements. To enable our loved one to realize their potential is the most rewarding experience.
Merciful: Mercy compels us to love and love compels us to have mercy. In the Islamic context the two are synonymous. The attribute Allah chose to be the supreme for Himself is that He is the most Merciful. This attribute of Rahman (the Merciful) is mentioned 170 times in the Quran, emphasizing the significance for believers to be merciful. Mercy, in practical application, means to have and show compassion and to be charitable.
Forgiving: Love is never too proud to seek forgiveness or too stingy to forgive. It is willing to let go of hurt and letdowns. Forgiveness allows us the opportunity to improve and correct ourselves. Islam emphasizes the principle that if we want God to forgive our mistakes, then we should be forgiving of others too.
Respect: To love is to respect and value the person, their contributions, and their opinions. Respect does not allow us to take for granted our loved ones or to ignore their input. How we interact with our spouses reflects whether we respect them or not.
Confidentiality: Trust is the most essential ingredient of love. When trust is betrayed and confidentiality compromised, love loses its soul.
Caring: Love fosters a deep fondness that dictates caring and sharing in all that we do. The needs of our loved ones take precedence over our own.
Kindness: The biography of the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) is rich with examples of acts of kindness he showed towards his family and particularly his wives. Even when his patience was tried, he was never unkind in word or deed. To love is to be kind.
Grows: Marital love is not static, for it grows and flourishes with each day of marital life. It requires work and commitment, and is nourished through faith when we are thankful and appreciative of Allah blessings.
Enhances: Love enhances our image and beautifies our world. It provides emotional security and physical well being.
Selflessness: Love gives unconditionally and protects dutifully.
Truthful: Love is honesty without cruelty and loyalty without compromise.
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General Islamic Marriage Guidelines
- Mutual agreement (Ijab wa Qabul) by the bride and the groom
- Two adult and sensible witnesses
- Mahr (marriage-gift) to be paid by the groom to the bride either immediately (muajjal) or
deferred (muakhkhar), or a combination of both
- Legal guardian (wakeel) representing the bride. If the bride represents herself then a
wakeel is no longer required.
- Written marriage contract (“Aqd-Nikah”) signed by the bride and the groom and
witnessed by two Muslim, adult and sane witnesses.
- Qadi (State appointed Muslim judge).
- Khutba-tun-Nikah to solemnize the marriage.
The marriage-gift (Mahr) is a divine injunction. The giving of mahr to the bride by the groom is
an essential part of the contract.
‘And give the women (on marriage) their mahr as a (nikah) free gift’ (Quran 4:4)
Mahr is a token commitment of the husband’s responsibility and may be paid in cash, property or
movable objects to the bride herself. The amount of mahr is not legally specified, however,
moderation according to the existing social norm is recommended. The mahr may be paid
immediately to the bride at the time of marriage, or deferred to a later date, or a combination of
both. The deferred mahr however, falls due in case of death or divorce.
One matrimonial party expresses ‘ijab’ willing consent to enter into marriage and the other party
expresses ‘qubul’ acceptance of the responsibility in the assembly of marriage ceremony. The
contract is written and signed by the bride and the groom and their two respective witnesses.
This written marriage contract (‘Aqd-Nikah) is then announced publicly.
The assembly of nikah is addressed with a marriage sermon (khutba-tun-nikah) by the Muslim
officiating the marriage. In marriage societies, normally, a state appointed Muslim judge, (Qadi)
officiates the nikah ceremony and keeps the record of the marriage contract. However any trust
worthy practicing Muslim can conduct the nikah ceremony, as Islam does not advocate
priesthood. The documents of marriage contract/certificate are filed with the mosque and local
government for record.
Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) made it his tradition (sunnah) to have marriage sermon delivered in
the assembly to solemnize the marriage. The sermon invites the bride and the groom, as well as
General Islamic Marriage Guidelines
the participating guests in the assembly to a life of faithfulness, mutual love, kindness, and social
The Khutbah-tun-Nikah begins with the praise of Allah. His help and guidance is sought. The
Muslim testimony of faith that ‘There is none worthy of worship except Allah and Muhammad is
His servant and messenger” is declared. The three Quranic verses (Quran 4:1, 3:102, 33:70-71)
and one Prophetic saying (hadith) form the main text of the marriage. This hadith is:
‘By Allah! Among all of you I am the most God-fearing, and among you all, I am the super most
to save myself from the wrath of Allah, yet my state is that I observe prayer and sleep too. I
observe fast and suspend observing them; I marry woman also. And he who turns away from my
Sunnah has no relation with me”. (Bukhari)
The Muslim officiating the marriage ceremony concludes the ceremony with prayer (Dua) for
bride, groom, their respective families, the local Muslim community, and the Muslim community
at large (Ummah).
Marriage (nikah) is considered as an act of worship (ibadah). It is good to conduct it in a Mosque
keeping the ceremony simple. The marriage ceremony is a social as well as a religious activity.
Islam advocates simplicity in ceremonies and celebrations.
Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) considered simple weddings the best weddings:
‘The best wedding is that upon which the least trouble and expense is bestowed”. (Mishkat)
The Marriage Banquet (Walima)
After the ceremony of the marriage (usually next day), the groom holds a banquet called a
walima. The relatives, neighbors, and friends are invited in order to make them aware of the
marriage. Both rich and poor of the family and community are invited to the marriage feasts.
Prophet Muhammad (S) said:
‘The worst of the feasts are those marriage feasts to which the rich are invited and the poor are
left out”. (Mishkat)
It is recommended that Muslims attend marriage ceremonies and marriage feasts upon invitation.
Prophet Muhammad (S) said:
“…and he, who refuses to accept an invitation to a marriage feast, verily disobeys Allah and His
Prophet”. (Ahmad & Abu Dawood)
Communication and patience is very important in a marriage, be it monogamy or polygyny
Very important to marry as early as possible. All things, be it school or working are possible with marriage, and not to be a hindarance to complete this sunnah
Sahih al-Bukhari 5092
that he asked `Aisha regarding the Verse: ‘If you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly with the orphans (4.3) She said, “O my nephew! This Verse refers to the orphan girl who is under the guardianship of her guardian who likes her beauty and wealth and wishes to (marry her and) curtails her Mahr. Such guardians have been forbidden to marry them unless they do justice by giving them their full Mahr, and they have been ordered to marry other than them. The people asked for the verdict of Allah’s Messenger (ﷺ) after that, so Allah revealed: ‘They ask your instruction concerning the women . . . whom you desire to marry.’ (4.127) So Allah revealed to them that if the orphan girl had beauty and wealth, they desired to marry her and for her family status. They can only marry them if they give them their full Mahr. And if they had no desire to marry them because of their lack of wealth and beauty, they would leave them and marry other women. So, as they used to leave them, when they had no interest, in them, they were forbidden to marry them when they had such interest, unless they treated them justly and gave them their full Mahr Apostle said, ‘If at all there is evil omen, it is in the horse, the woman and the house.” a lady is to be warded off. And the Statement of Allah: ‘Truly, among your wives and your children, there are enemies for you (i.e may stop you from the obedience of Allah)’ (64.14)
Sahih al-Bukhari 6965
Urwa: That he askedAisha regarding the Verse: ‘If you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly with the orphan girls, marry (other) women of your choice.’ (4.3) `Aisha said, “It is about an orphan girl under the custody of her guardian who being attracted by her wealth and beauty wants to marry her with Mahr less than other women of her status. So such guardians were forbidden to marry them unless they treat them justly by giving them their full Mahr. Then the people sought the verdict of Allah’s Apostle for such cases, whereupon Allah revealed: ‘They ask your instruction concerning women..’ (4.127) (The sub-narrator then mentioned the Hadith.)
And all married women (are forbidden unto you) save those (captives) whom your right hands possess. It is a decree of Allah for you. Lawful unto you are all beyond those mentioned, so that ye seek them with your wealth in honest wedlock, not lust. And those of whom ye seek content (by marrying them), give unto them their portions as a duty. And there is no sin for you in what ye do by mutual agreement after the duty (hath been done). Lo! Allah is ever Knower, Wise.
Marriage is one of the blessings of Allaah, and one of His signs. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“And among His Signs is this, that He created for you wives from among yourselves, that you may find repose in them, and He has put between you affection and mercy. Verily, in that are indeed signs for a people who reflect”
Allaah commanded guardians to arrange marriages for those who are under their care, as He says (interpretation of the meaning):
“And marry those among you who are single (i.e. a man who has no wife and the woman who has no husband) and (also marry) the Saalihoon (pious, fit and capable ones) of your (male) slaves and maid-servants (female slaves). If they be poor, Allaah will enrich them out of His Bounty. And Allaah is All-Sufficient for His creatures’ needs, All-Knowing (about the state of the people)”
That is because of the great interests that are served by marriage, such as increasing the numbers of the ummah, and causing the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) to feel proud before the other Prophets, and protecting both husband and wife from falling into haraam… and other great benefits.
But some guardians (walis) put obstacles in the way of marriage, which prevented those under their care from getting married in many cases.
That is because they exaggerate concerning the mahr, and demand huge dowries which a young man who wants to get married cannot afford, until marriage becomes something extremely difficult for many of those who want to get married.
The mahr is a right that is given to the woman, as enjoined by Islamic sharee’ah, as an expression of the man’s desire to marry her. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“And give to the women (whom you marry) their Mahr (obligatory bridal-money given by the husband to his wife at the time of marriage) with a good heart”
This does not mean that the woman is a product to be sold, rather it is a symbol of honour and respect, and a sign that the husband is willing to shoulder his responsibilities and fulfil his duties.
Sharee’ah does not stipulate a certain limit for the mahr that should not be overstepped, but it does encourage reducing the mahr and keeping it simple.
The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “The best of marriage is that which is made easiest.” Narrated by Ibn Hibbaan, classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Jaami’, 3300.
And he (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “The best of mahrs is the simplest (or most affordable).” Narrated by al-Haakim and al-Bayhaqi, classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Jaami’, 3279.
And the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said to a man who wanted to get married: “Look (for something to give as a dowry), even if it is a ring of iron.” Agreed upon.
The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) set the highest example for his ummah in that regard, so that a clear understanding of the basic principles would be implanted in society, and a spirit of simplicity would spread among the people.
Abu Dawood (2125) and al-Nasaa’i (3375) narrated from Ibn ‘Abbaas that ‘Ali said: “I married Faatimah (may Allaah be pleased with her) and said: ‘O Messenger of Allaah, let me go ahead with the marriage.’ He said: ‘Give her something.’ I said: ‘I do not have anything.’ He said: ‘Where is your Hutami shield?’ I said, ‘I have it with me.’ He said, ‘Give it to her.’” Classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Nasaa’i, 3160.
This was the mahr of Faatimah, the daughter of the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), the leader of the women of Paradise.
This reinforces the fact that in Islam, the mahr is not something that is sought for its own sake.
Ibn Maajah (1887) narrated that ‘Umar ibn al-Khattaab said: “Do not go to extremes with regard to the dowries of women, for if that were a sign of honour and dignity in this world or a sign of piety before Allaah, then Muhammad (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) would have done that before you. But he did not give any of his wives, and none of his daughters were given, more than twelve uqiyah. A man may increase the dowry until he feels resentment against her and says, ‘You cost me everything I own, and caused me a great deal of hardship’.” Classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh Ibn Maajah, 1532.
“Do not go to extremes” means do not exaggerate in increasing the dowry. “A man may increase the dowry until he feels resentment against her” means, until he begins to hate her when he is still paying off the debts incurred because of this mahr because it is too hard for him, or whenever he thinks about the matter.
From Haashiyat al-Sindi ‘ala Ibn Maajah.
Twelve uqiyah is equivalent to 480 dirhams, i.e., approximately 135 silver riyals (134.4). This was the mahr of the daughters and wives of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him).
Whoever thinks of increasing his daughter’s mahr and asking for more than the daughters of the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) were given – when they were the best women in this world in all aspects – is an ignorant fool. The same applies to asking for more than the Mothers of the Believers were given. This applies even if one is well off and can afford it. With regard to one who is poor, he should not give a mahr greater than he can afford to pay without any hardship.
He also said in al-Fataawa al-Kubra:
The words of Imam Ahmad according to the report of Hanbal imply that it is mustahabb for the dowry to be four hundred dirhams. This is the correct view in cases where the man can afford it. It is mustahabb to pay this amount and no more.
In Zaad al-Ma’aad (5/178), Ibn al- quoted some of the ahaadeeth that indicate that the mahr should be reduced and that there is no minimum amount. Then he said:
These ahaadeeth indicate that there is no minimum amount for the mahr… and that exaggerating concerning the mahr is makrooh, and that it reduces its barakah (blessing). End quote.
Hence it is clear that what people do nowadays, increasing the mahr and exaggerating concerning it, is something that goes against the sharee’ah.
The wisdom behind reducing the mahr and not increasing it is quote clear:
This makes it easier for people to get married, so that they will not be diverted from it, which will result in all kinds of moral and social corruption.
Sahih al-Bukhari 5150
Narrated Sahl bin Sa`d:
The Prophet (ﷺ) said to a man, “Marry, even with (a Mahr equal to) an iron ring.”
On Marriage and Preparation, and the roles of men and women regardless of polygany or monogamy.
Men, do things such as carry her to bed when she falls asleep on the couch, make her feel like a baby at times. The truth is that women want to be treated like a 2 year old girl at times. That’s why women behave childish and silly sometimes. You may have an argument with your wife and the next thing you know she is taking your bags outside of the house. It doesn’t mean she is asking for a divorce, she is being childish. That’s why at times a man will discipline his wife. Instead, know she just wants you to hold her, look her in the eyes and say, “I’m sorry for the argument.” Even if she is wrong, she will feel better and like a child calm down when she gets what she wants. That’s women for you!
Every brother needs to study the “university of women,” before getting married. Read books about their nature and psychology, learn what the prophet (SallAllahu Alayhi Wa Sallam) said about women and you will hardly have a problem with them. Though you will still have problems because a woman is always a woman and her imperfections are there.
Even the wives of the prophet (pbuh) were like that despite their ilm, heekmah and understanding of the deen, except Khadijah. She was the best among them and was known as taheraah (pure). She never shouted at the prophet (pbuh) even though she was older than him. She was the best wife material, a homemaker, a sealed nectar, extremely beautiful, the creme of Quraysh. Sweet scented musk, stainless and untainted to the extent that Allah even sent angel Jibrael to greet her. SubhanAllah! Sisters, let us look to her as the best role model. Brothers read books about marriage, an ideal home, child upbringing, fiqh of marriage and the likes. Don’t just jump into marriage with an empty head about matrimony. You will have problems.
The wife of Umar was once shouting and yelling at him at the top of her voice. A man wanted to come and complain to Umar of the same issue to him and was surprised when he heard a similar thing was happening to Umar. The man explained his reason for coming. Umar told him that my wife takes care of the house, does the dishes, feeds the animals, bakes bread, feeds my children, and takes care of me even though all these things are not binding on her. Why shouldn’t I also ignore her imperfections? My brothers go and do the same for your wives and be patient and kind to her for there is no perfection in this world.
How many men can tolerate their wives nagging, let alone shouting? Umar said you should be quiet when your spouse is angry. When one person is fire, the other should be water. And for small things brothers such as stepping on your foot intentionally or mistakenly, do not let yourself become angry. If she did it intentionally she is playing. If she did it mistakenly then it’s not her fault. So why shout at her over every small mistake? Learn to ignore some things and don’t be petty.
Have fun with your wife. Play games, sing poems and Surrahs to your wife, join her in the garden even I f she is chattering about her day to you. Assist her in house chores and family things, don’t just be commanding her every day. Bathe with her, wake her up for tahajjud, cook with her and teach her if she doesn’t know how to cook what you like. Call her from work, text her, write “ I love you” in a small note and leave it to surprise her.
All of these are part of being romantic. When a woman tells you that you are not romantic, it means you are not doing all those things. It is not the romance in the bedroom she is talking about! Without romance women’s desire is less. If women don’t feel safe and loved enough for a husband to teach us and protect us, it will cause problems in the bedroom.